by Alanah Bradshaw
I stood in front of my mirror pulling at my skin.
“Gaaaah,” I screamed why did I have to be born with this bloody girls body, I can’t take this anymore.
Salty tears began to role down my cheeks and onto my unwanted chest before my mother barged into my room.
“Maya what the hell are you doing!” She demanded. “Now get ready for school!”
I wish she would leave me alone, or at least stop treating me like the girl I’m never meant to be…
Hi my name’s Cyrus, well some people call me Cyro but that doesn’t matter. I’m a raging insomniac and extremely depressed, my mum likes to put it down to my “fag friends” and my “always trying to be something I’m not” aka a boy. Don’t get me wrong I am I boy I swear I am it’s just I wasn’t born that way, I was born like a girl and I absolutely hate it. Enough with my rambling lets get on with my story.
I cleaned my tears and slipped on my baggy jeans before tightly winding old bandages around my chest and sharply breathing as I struggled to put on my t-shirt. Man I know binding with bandages is possibly the worst thing you could do but I can’t help it I bloody hate my chest. Quickly I shoved a piece of toast in my gob and head out the door to school.
When I arrived in school my best friend Luka was nonchalantly leaning against his locker.
“Aye Cyro, what’s up,” Luka called to me
“The sky,” I laughed with Luka.
“Hey are you binding again?” Asked Luka.
“Yeah…” I muttered.
“Cyro…you know it’s dangerous…please stop,” pleaded Luka.
“I know I’m sorry, it’s just I can’t handle all this,” I chocked, my eyes starting to glaze over with tears.
“Hey, hey it’s okay Cyro, calm down, look it’s all gonna be grand, I promise.”
“Yeah whatever,” I sighed as we strolled into class.
“Thanks for being one of the only people in the world who doesn’t treat me like complete and utter rubbish,” I said still holding back my tears.
“No problem mate.” Luka smiled at me.
“Aye Luka,” our friend Daniel yelled across from the other side of the classroom,” you are passing so well as a guy!”
Luka was trans too but he had accepting parents and a lot of support unlike me. I know Daniel meant well but man it hurt so much, do I look like a guy? Can you see boobs? Am I wearing the wrong thing? So many thoughts were racing through my head at a million miles per hour I could hardly concentrate.
“Yo earth to Cyro you okay in there?” Luka was tapping my head.
” Mmm yeah,” I mumbled still in my daze.
“You okay Cyrus?” Asked Daniel.
“Yeah I’m fine!” I spat
“What’s wrong?” Questioned Luka.
“I don’t know I guess I’m just not having a good day,” I replied. “Just you know sad and I didn’t get that much sleep last night that on top of my general disphoria or hate of my female body, along with homework and study, my parents, my mum has been horrible, misgendering me, making me feel worthless and … Oh I don’t know…” I was out of breath and tears were streaming down my face.
“Hey look as I always say it’s gonna be grand,” Luka said embracing me in his arms.
Though I didn’t think it was going to be all grand, or at least not while I was here.